This made for TV movie is a perfect showcase of what not to do. Featuring horrendous writing, worse acting and even worse set designs, it’s no wonder that it was selected for lampooning by Mystery Science Theater 3000, to which it probably owes its notoriety.The adults on Mars are growing worried about their children. All their knowledge is transmitted into their brains by machines and the highly structured Martian civilization has left them with little time for freedom or fun. While monitoring their children watching an Earth television broadcast, the adult Martians notice a glimmer of joy in their children at the mention of Santa Claus. Thinking that their children’s well-being is of the utmost importance, the adult Martians set out to kidnap Santa Claus and bring him to Mars to bring joy to all the little green children.
Some of the crankier Martians don’t like the idea of Santa Claus bringing joy to the children and set out to sabotage the whole thing. Complications are compounded when two earth children witness Santa’s capture and are taken hostage as well. In the end though, Santa uses toys and humor to win the Martians over and finds them a Martian simple and joyful enough to replicate his annual duties. Santa and the kids are taken back to earth and all is well.
I have to say right off the bat that the theme song for the film, “Hooray for Santy Claus” is actually really good. It’s probably the best part of the whole picture. It’s a fun, rocking 60s Christmas song and sings the praises of Santa Claus’ valor in the face of adversity.
Otherwise this film is terrible. The sets are epic failures. Computer equipment aboard the Martian spaceships is connected by hinges and are clearly constructed with plywood. It’s really quite laughable when you can see the set move when someone bumps the wall or door too hard.
Also worth mentioning is how hopelessly bad the script is. Between the cheesy and the mundane, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians hits just about everything in the gamut of lousy script writing. At least half of the lines are groan worthy and meant to be cute. Trust me, they’re anything but.
The acting is consistently wretched as well. It can’t just be due to the time period, because there were darn fine actors long before this film saw the light of day. Made for TV movies have had lousy acting as long as I can remember, so I guess this means it’s a long-standing tradition to hire people who provide wooden deliveries and show sub-standard emotion.
And finally, Santa Claus is downright creepy in this movie! Every now and then he just starts laughing a jolly but maniacal sounding laugh and everyone stops what they’re doing and joins in. It never makes any sense whatsoever and creeped me out every time. And technically, he doesn't really conquer the Martians.
There’s a good reason why you’ve probably never heard of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It stinks. It’s inclusion on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and the fact that a future Golden Globe winning actress plays one of the Martian children are the only reasons this film will ever be remembered.
The story idea of stealing Santa Claus is actually neat though. That could have made for a good story, but this certainly wasn’t it.
RATING: 1 out of 5
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