Because I Said So (2007)

I am going to break from my usual formula for reviews and advise you right off the bat- spare yourself and avoid this movie at all costs. It’s not the worst movie ever made but you will suffer for your foolishness if you decide to watch it. That’s not a threat from me to you. This movie just might make you hate yourself a little bit for subjecting yourself to its inadequacies.

Daphne (Diane Keaton) is a helicopter mom from hell with a fashion sense that never evolved past the Annie Hall mannish look. Latching onto the love life of her youngest daughter, Milly (Mandy Moore), turns out to be a disaster for all parties. Milly ends up dating two men at once- the man her mother favors after placing a personal ad on behalf of Milly, and a musician who Daphne feels is woefully inadequate for her little girl.

Do any of these characters sound likeable to you? A neurotic middle-aged woman who tries to manipulate her adult children? A young adult who ends up sleeping with two men because she can’t figure out which one she really wants to date? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?

To be fair, a story about family member fixing the problems of either one of these characters might have potential. Mixing the two the way the filmmakers have here creates a disaster of a film that fails in every arena save for having a few ideas that might work. The time and cost involved in re-writing this mess into two coherent tales would be enormous because the only two round characters in the current narrative suck big time. Fleshing out the rest of the cast would be a nightmare too because there is very little to work with.

This film is billed as a romantic comedy. There is nothing romantic about a loose woman leading on two decent guys, nor is there anything comedic about the ditzy female stereotypes running amok in these reels. I would expect any intelligent woman to be extremely disappointed with this film. I would also expect any intelligent man to be extremely disappointed with the woman who was tricked into thinking this dreck might be enjoyable.

Some films leave you anxious for resolution. Because I Said So had me anxious for the closing credits. In case you ever had any curiosity in watching this film, please know this: it stinks to high heaven. If you find a copy of it, run in the opposite direction.

RATING: 1 out of 5

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

Just when you thought the Friday the 13th series had ended on an upswing, here comes a head-scratching misfire that holds a scant few good ideas and a whole lot of poor execution. While it may indeed deliver a new beginning by not bringing Jason Voorhees back to life, that’s about as new or as fresh as it gets. The rest of the film features the same tired, formulaic goings-on as the other Friday flicks.

Several years after murdering Jason Voorhees, Tommy Jarvis still has visions of the masked maniac coming to get him. After bouncing around between psych wards he lands at Pinehurst Halfway House, a middle-of-nowhere facility for troubled teens to rehabilitate their emotional issues. When one resident brutally kills another, someone else starts killing the remaining residents and workers of Pinehurst and its surrounding neighbors. Tommy’s visions of Jason get worse, leading us to wonder if he’s finally snapped and responsible for the killings or if he is being set up.

I recall seeing a portion of this film on TV once when I was in either middle or high school. It didn’t make sense to me then and that assessment hasn’t changed much over time. The horror genre is built upon fake-outs and misdirection, but these foundational elements seem tedious now as they are presented in the series. I can only stomach so many bad decisions and scary moments revealed to be red herrings or dreams before I lose interest. After seeing these tools abused through four movies so far, I have little interest remaining to lose.

The problems with this film are numerous, but really, they are par for the course with Friday the 13th flicks. Disposable teenagers? Yes- and this time they’re all like the bad kids everyone hated in school, so audiences are almost encouraged to cheer on their deaths. Immoral behavior? Oh my yes- sex, drugs, and even trespassing! This film also includes plenty of 80s character stereotypes and embarrassing amounts of generalizations about African Americans and special-needs individuals. The setting feels unnatural and, for my tastes, there is way too much swearing going on. The filmmakers knew it would get a hard-R rating so they clearly are swinging for the fences on obscenity.

I like the concept of bringing Tommy Jarvis back and pushing him to the edge of sanity with all the murders, but this plot thread really didn’t need to occur in a Friday the 13th film. It is an interesting stand-alone concept forced into the framework of a bad movie series. We’re shown early on that the killer cannot be Tommy but we’re still fed the possibility that it might be him the rest of the way through the movie via the concerns of other characters. So much misdirection surrounds the reveal of the real killer but it becomes apparent who the real killer is just a few minutes before the big reveal. The motive comes out of nowhere and couldn’t possibly have been inferred from the events of the film, making it a final-reel revelation that’s the stuff of pulp fiction and amateur mystery writers.

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning is a lot like the first Friday and The Final Chapter. It’s got a few interesting ideas but the execution fails miserably. The two chief things this film has going against is the fact that I felt cheated out of a crappy but tolerable conclusion in Final Chapter, and that there is too much stupidity, absurdity, and randomness in this film’s ingredients for me to rate it any higher. Pulling back the finality of The Final Chapter is a misstep in and of itself. Instead of a fresh start, audiences are most likely wishing for Jason’s return after A New Beginning, which ends with more than enough room for more sequels. God help us all.

RATING: 0.5 out of 5

SECOND HELPINGS: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

After three bloody slaughter-fests, this was to be the final Friday the 13th movie. While we know now that this was a big fat lie, you have to wonder what moviegoers anticipated leading up to its release. Would Jason go out in a blaze of glory? How will it all end? Will Jason finally die? Hardcore fans of the series were probably eager for this film and were likely disappointed, while everyone else who thought it would be little more than the same old Friday shenanigans may have found themselves pleasantly surprised.

After a weird greatest hits kind of montage of clips from the first three films, we pick up where Part III left off. Jason, thought to be dead, escapes from a hospital morgue and makes his way back to Crystal Lake. Somewhere on the lake, the newly divorced Mrs. Jarvis moves into her lakefront cottage with her teenage daughter Trish and her young son Tommy (Corey Feldman). A bunch of rowdy teenagers move into the cabin next door for a week of unsupervised fun. All of them lie in Jason’s path, leading to yet another round of blood-letting.

This film made me ponder some very important questions: How does Jason find his way back to Crystal Lake? Why can’t anyone hear this large, lumbering maniac until he is right on top of them? How is he able to break into buildings so quietly? Why are all the girls who visit Crystal Lake opposed to wearing bras?

Once again, we have a bevy of horny teenagers incapable of making good decisions. Sadly, very few of them get memorable or unique executions, something that the first three installments prided themselves on. Despite a lack of flair in his killing technique, Jason actually shows signs of planning his actions and even, dare I say it, comes off as a cunning villain at times. That certainly sets it apart from Jason’s first two rounds.

Other positive points include characters we actually care about. The Jarvis’s are innocent bystanders just trying to make it as a family; they aren’t your typical horror flick fodder. There is also a subplot involving a man hunting for Jason in the hopes of exacting revenge for his sister’s death in Part II. It falls apart a little when you realize that The Final Chapter takes place no more than four days after Part II, but it’s still a nice idea. Then there is also a virgin girl among the rowdy teens. She is the only level-headed one in the bunch. Sadly, most of these likeable characters don’t make it through the film for one reason or another.

Other than a few random acts of decent cinematography, The Final Chapter is more of the same. It doesn’t bring anything full circle or provide any kind of emotional closure one might expect from a final installment. Instead, we get a loose ending that suggests that, while Jason does die, another might step into his shoes. Sure enough, the joke is on us, since this movie made enough money for Hollywood to renege on that whole Final part.

The Final Friday is a step up from both Part II and III, but considering how insipid those two films were, being a step up isn’t really saying much. I have yet to see all of the Friday the 13th movies, but I surmise that this is probably the best place to stop watching the series if you absolutely have to go beyond the original.

ORIGINAL RATING: 1 out of 5

NEW RATING: 1 out of 5