The Wizard (1989)

One of my best friends told me that, as a child of the late 80s and early 90s, I had to see this movie. He told me that it wasn’t very good and that its only claims to fame are that it stars Fred Savage from The Wonder Years and that it was used to market the launch of Super Mario Bros. 3. As is oftentimes the case, my friend was right.

Jimmy hasn’t been the same since his sister drowned a few years ago. The trauma split up his family and now he lives with his mother and stepfather and two half-brothers, played by Fred Savage and Christian Slater. Jimmy is so disconnected from the world that his family puts him into an institution. Half-brother Corey (Savage) realizes that Jimmy doesn’t belong there. Corey breaks him out of the institution and reluctantly helps Jimmy realize his unexplained need to go to California.

Along the way, they meet a young girl (Jenny Lewis) also hitchhiking her way to California. Together they form a team and repeatedly dodge a sketchy runaway collector that has been hired by Jimmy and Corey’s parents. When they discover that Jimmy is something of a savant for video games, they sign Jimmy up for “Video Armageddon,” which boasts a $50,000 prize. The search for Jimmy brings everyone to Universal Studios in Hollywood: the kids, the parents, even the runaway collector. The climax of the film sees Jimmy make the finals where he and his fellow finalists are the first to play the new Super Mario Bros. 3 game by Nintendo.

On the surface, The Wizard feels like a harmless, commercialized kiddy flick. A closer examination reveals a manipulative film full of clichés and product placement. The target audience is clearly children but there is “enough” family-oriented content to pass as something for everyone to enjoy. For the parents, it preaches family togetherness. To kids, it highlights how absolutely cool Nintendo video games are.

The story itself is completely ridiculous but kids love seeing kids outwit adults every step of the way along a great journey. I just hope that no young children set out to hitchhike across the country because they saw how fun it could be in this film. Corey and Haley (Lewis) lie to other children and adults in order to fund their cross-country trek by hustling young and old to put money down on video game contests against Jimmy, who seems nothing short of autistic. My, what wholesome family entertainment indeed!

This film can actually be broken down into several distinct components that were commonplace in popular 80s movies. There’s the tale of a broken family searching for a way to become whole again, Rocky-esque video game training montages, catchy pop tunes, and the already-mentioned cross-country trek. It’s a pastiche of all the cheesiest elements of 80s cinema rolled into what is essentially Rain Man for kids plus endless plugs for Nintendo.

If they were to remake this film to help promote Nintendo’s upcoming Wii U, I would trash it for shameless commercialism and a lousy story. Since this film is over 20 years old, I’m willing to be kinder to it. While it may indeed amount to little more than a 100-minute commercial for Nintendo, The Wizard has all but been forgotten about, unlike other shameless product placement films like Mac and Me. Super Mario Bros. 3 was going to be a hit with or without this movie, so it’s not like there is any kind of historical or commercial legacy attached to it.

You almost have to respect what the filmmakers pulled off with this movie. They put a mega-popular child actor in front of the screen in Fred Savage and applied any number of adult movie clichés in watered-down forms for younger viewers. Sure, it’s all dishonest and completely absurd, but it’s also something that little kids will love simply because it involves children and an adventure. Most of the other stuff will, thankfully, go right over their heads.

RATING: 2.25 out of 5

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

With chick-lit fans swooning like hormonal teenagers over a dreamy vampire, the first Twilight film became a little engine that could. Its success secured the adaptation of the rest of the series in short order. Success, however, is not an indicator of quality. New Moon hammers home the fact that the more things change, the more they stay the same. If you know me or have read my review for the first film, you probably know what’s coming next.

Bella doesn’t like the fact that she’s growing “older” than her vampire boyfriend Edward, so she asks him to convert her to his kind. Edward doesn’t like the fact that anytime Bella gets a paper cut his adopted ‘brother’ Jasper goes berserk and tries to attack her. In true teenage melodrama fashion, Edward blows Bella off, ends their relationship and moves out of town with his family. It’s sudden, nonsensical and (for Bella) heart-breaking.

After a few months of moping, Bella discovers that every time she does anything dangerous she sees Edward as if he were right beside her. This leads her down a path of daredevil antics that nearly gets her killed. She also gets to know her childhood pal Jacob Black, who is harboring a mysterious secret of his own. He falls in love with her but Bella doesn’t reciprocate, leading him to trick the Cullen’s into thinking that Bella has died. This drives Edward, who still loves her after all, to expose himself to humans, which will force the Volturi (a powerful group of ancient vampires) to destroy him. Catching wind of this, Bella frantically tries to stop him.

If you think I just gave away the entire plot of the film, then you haven’t seen any of the trailers. They lay out just about every detail I listed above. It’s one of the many oddities about this film series. Their marketing efforts are focused solely on those who have read the books and already know what’s going to happen. The first Twilight film fell victim to this as you had to wait around for an hour to find out the obvious- Edward is a vampire. Similarly, New Moon makes you wait roughly an hour to discover another obvious fact- Jacob is a werewolf. If you didn’t see this coming, then you haven’t seen the trailers or read the books, and your ability to pick up on foreshadowing from the first film is woefully underdeveloped.

In many ways, Bella’s discovery of Jacob’s secret mirrors her discovery of Edward’s blood-sucking tendencies in the first film. She is drawn to him only as a friend, so there is minimal hormonal lip-biting, but just like Edward, Jacob is there to save Bella from her clumsiness and poor decisions. Edward disappeared on very sunny days, driving Bella to wonder. This time, Jacob disappears for weeks on end without explanation. While Edward is cold to the touch, Jacob and his werewolf brethren are extremely warm to the touch. In fact, they generate so much body heat that young werewolf men are forced to walk around shirtless to keep cool, exposing their mega-buff bodies.

That’s right- just as author Stephanie Meyer made up a bunch of stuff about vampires for Twilight, she shows a similar disregard for historical werewolf lore in New Moon. Jacob and his tribesmen don’t turn into the traditionally hideous man-beasts of old either. Rather, they turn into gigantic wolves. Despite a larger budget, the visual effects are still sorely lacking. Also, the notion that these buff lycanthropes need to go sans-shirt panders to both the author’s and viewers’ adolescent desires to see hot guys.

One of the worst examples of story progression in recent memory occurs when Edward finally calls to check on Bella after giving her the cold, quiet treatment for months on end. Jacob is with her and answers the phone. He leads Edward to believe that his love is dead. Edward goes all suicidal vampire without even as much as a second call to anyone else who might be able to corroborate Bella’s fate.

This turning point finally produces some action, though, just like in Twilight, it comes nearly three-quarters of the way through the movie. From here on out New Moon adopts a break-neck pace that throws new faces and places at you too quickly to remember them all. Then, to top it all off, is the mother of all anticlimactic cliff-hanger endings. If nothing else, Jacob’s stern warning to Bella and Edward gives me hope that the third installment of this series will actually have some kind of sustained plot and tension running the whole way through. It would certainly be a major improvement over the first two.

Twi-hards may go gaga over this film because it brings their beloved, if not poorly-developed, characters to life. The sad truth is that New Moon repeats the Twilight formula in a way that is even less satisfying than its predecessor. If the screenwriters were true to the book than Meyer has no concept of adequate story pacing whatsoever. But perhaps the most egregious sin committed here is this: New Moon is a story that involves both vampires and werewolves yet it equates to two-plus hours of almost sheer boredom.

RATING: 2 out of 5

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

I’m not really sure where to begin with this review because I’m not really sure what exactly I have watched. The obvious answer is the sequel to 2007’s Transformers, a movie that I quite enjoyed. Sadly, calling this film just a sequel is far too kind. What Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen actually turns out to be is little more than a candy-coated barrage of computer-generated carnage with only the scantest pauses for actual story development. Not the kind of transformation that audiences, or the studios, were looking for in a multi-million dollar film franchise.

Two years after the search for the All Spark brought alien robots to Earth, the Autobots are helping mankind secretly dispose of the few remaining Decepticon forces. They are warned by one dying robot of a pending onslaught by a Transformer known as The Fallen, who attempted to destroy the Earth over 15,000 years ago. A band of Transformers known as the Dynasty of Primes defeated The Fallen, forcing him into exile up to now.

Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is headed to college, putting a strain on his relationship with girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox). He discovers a fragment of the All Spark on the shirt he wore two years earlier, which starts off another series of adventures for him and his friends. Contact with the fragment uploads all kinds of Transformer information into his mind and makes him a target for the Decepticons. The Fallen learns of the fragment from his underlings and has Megatron resurrected with it in order to kill Optimus Prime (the only known Cybertronian capable of defeating The Fallen). His plot is then to find and use the Matrix of Leadership to activate a machine hidden in the pyramids of Egypt that will destroy the Earth entirely.

Director Michael Bay has blamed the poor quality of this film on the fact that he and the studio rushed the script through to avoid any production delays due to the 2007-08 Writer’s Guild strike. On one hand, this makes perfect sense because a production delay could have led to conflicts with the actors’ future schedules and even possibly pushing the movie’s release back a year. The outcome, however, proves that you can’t rush creativity.

I find it amusing that shortening this film’s subtitle gives you the letters ROTF, which can also stand for ‘rolling on the floor’ (add an ‘L’ for ‘laughing’ to complete the web-trendy shorthand phrase). Unfortunately, as bad as this sequel is at times, you find yourself frustrated and confused more often than amused. Between the history of The Fallen and the Dynasty of Primes, and new revelations from former Sector Seven crazy man Simmons (John Turturro), Revenge retcons most of what we know about the history between Autobots, Decepticons, Earth and mankind. Wouldn’t it be simpler for The Fallen to sneak up on Earth with some kind of super-weapon requiring part of the All Spark to work instead of re-writing the history that was so concisely explained to us in the first film? Why exactly was it necessary to resurrect Megatron? Furthermore, why didn’t Sam Witwicky wash that shirt in two years time?

As if things weren’t confusing enough, Bay and his team throw in a few inaccuracies to boot. There is a scene where they discover a 1,000 year old Transformer hiding in the National Air and Space Museum. The only problem with this is the fact that it’s clearly not the Air and Space Museum because there are no wooded areas in downtown Washington D.C. (a different facility was misattributed in the film). Frankly there is no excuse for this kind of glaring factual error no matter how pressed for time you are. I mean, they filmed the scenes at the real air center. Couldn’t somebody have made sure that they called it by the name on the signs outside? Maybe?

The retcons and errors have barely any time to sink until after the credits role because Revenge wouldn’t be a Michael Bay film without ridiculous amounts of action. If the first Transformers left you thirsty for more robot-on-robot and robot-on-human violence, then you’re in luck! As soon as any of our characters have more than five minutes to catch their breath a new volley of action gets underway. There’s destruction in China followed by a Decepticon attack at Sam’s Pennsylvania college, segueing into a robot battle in the middle of a forest, and culminating in several simultaneous raging conflicts in Egypt.

Had enough yet? Too bad! On top of it all, Bay and company throw in some raunchy humor, including a small quadruped robot that humps Megan Fox’s leg, an old-timer robot who falls asleep easily, and a pair of twin Autobots that attracted oodles of negative publicity for using stereotypical African-American slang and behavior. I can understand throwing a little comedic relief into the mix because this is, after all, a movie based on a children’s show, itself was based on a line of children’s toys. The jokes and physical humor on display here, however, are just plain stupid.

Rushed is the best word to describe Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It’s two and a half hours long but you won’t notice the time passing. The film yanks you along from scene to scene at a hurried pace, only leaving you time to digest anything at the end. Then the questions come flooding in but you are so fatigued from all the explosions, slow-motion carnage and whiplash-inducing camerawork that you don’t really want to think about anything.

In this way, Michael Bay almost pulls off the magic trick. By throwing enough rapid-fire content at our eyes and ears we are nearly stunned into submission. But enough of the illusion is faulty that the whole charade falls apart, revealing Revenge as nothing more than a sketchy smoke and mirror show needing more attention to detail and at least a half-dozen re-writes.

RATING: 1.25 out of 5

Prince of Space (1959)

Here’s another film taken from the library of Mystery Science Theater 3000. A Japanese import that reeks of television production values, cheesy dubbing and a story that makes little sense, Prince of Space isn’t quite a so-bad-it’s-good flick but it does reach the level of so-bad-it’s-funny-so-I-don’t-mind.

A group of alien meanies, who for some reason look like human-bird hybrids, plot an invasion of Earth. To their dismay, a mysterious hero known as Prince of Space appears and thwarts their evil intentions. He has a perfect alter ego as a benevolent shoe repairman and wins over the affections of many in and out of costume. The malicious and amusingly-named Ambassador Dictator Phantom will not rest until he is able to steal a new rocket fuel developed by Earth scientists and does all kinds of dastardly things to lure out and capture Prince of Space once and for all. Kidnappings, surprise attacks and sabotage lie in our heroes path.

Is this film lousy? Sure it is. Is it worth dumping on? Maybe, depending on your outlook on life. Right now I’m in a good mood. It’s clear from the start that Prince of Space is a piece of Japanese escapist fluff cinema. It succeeds in keeping the mood light but it fails in just about everything else. Then again, what more should we expect from a film that was assembled from two shorter films featuring the titular Prince?

Any time you dub a film you open yourself up to translation and dub actor issues. This is why I normally try to watch a foreign film in its original language. Sure, it may be an exhaustive process at times to read the dialogue but a good foreign film will grip you so that you either barely even read the words anyway or don’t even notice when you give them a peek. This is not the case here. The attempt to match up to the real actor’s lips and duration of speech either don’t go far enough or results in needless dialogue that sounds silly. Rarely do you get a happy medium.

Logical flaws also abound (then again, what campy 50s movie wasn’t full of them?). For instance, our hero, the Prince, constantly taunts Phantom and his lackeys with the fact that their weapons cannot harm him. If this really is the case, then it makes no sense for the conflict to labor on as long as it does. The Prince can just walk right up to them and snuff them out. Nor does it make any sense for the Prince to constantly dodge their laser blasts if he is, in fact, impervious to them.

That’s really all you need to know about this film. It is silly, not very good at all, and boasts only the scantest amount of actual story potential. But at least it’s funny in its awfulness. That alone makes up for sitting through over 90 minutes of imported stinky cheese. If only more bad American movies could be this funny the world might be a happier place.

RATING: 1 out of 5

Hostel: Part II (2007)

Every generation has seen the rise of new sub-genres of horror films. The 70s gave us plenty of psychological torment, the 80s brought on the gore for added frights, and the 90s gave us the self-aware cast full of witty one-liners and references. You can debate the merits of these ‘developments’ all you want but they all, in one way or another, advanced the horror genre. The first decade of this new millennium will, sadly, be remembered for the decline of horror to its most repugnant form- torture porn. It’s an audio-visual assault designed solely to test your limits for gore and terror. Hostel: Part II scrapes down to some of the sub-genre’s lowest possible levels, managing to create a film that’s even worse than its predecessor.

The film begins by showing us that no one can escape the long arm of Elite Hunting, a European-based company that auctions kidnapped tourists to wealthy people who want to kill another human being. Paxton (Jay Hernandez), the only survivor of the first film, is tracked down and decapitated by his former abductors, his head to become some kind of trophy for who I assume is the CEO of the outfit. Paxton’s girlfriend Stephanie makes the grim discovery one morning and from here the movie goes all wrong.

I would love to tell you that Stephanie gets the authorities involved and she helps lead a top-secret, international investigation into the sadistic owners, methods and clientele of Elite Hunting. Instead, writer-director Eli Roth takes the laziest approach possible to a sequel. He shrugs off any likeable characters and possible plot development and gives us a nearly complete retread of the first film with a new set of dim-witted, beautiful American victims.

In the first installment the main characters were male college students on the prowl for loose European girls- not exactly a group worthy of audience concern. This time the main characters are female, an instantly recognizable attempt by Roth to manipulate viewers into caring about this trio right off the bat. After watching hundreds of films, it seems that human beings are hardwired to show de facto concern for both women and children thrust into dangerous situations (unless of course you are a sadist or misogynist, which strike me as the key demographic for torture porn). This works for a few minutes, as the three ladies are innocently tricked into taking holiday in Slovakia with a pretty model they met in their art class.

The illusion of their innocence is broken when, while on the train to Slovakia, they try to score drugs off a few sketchy-but-handsome looking Euro boys. The stupid decisions just roll on from there and you care less and less about the fate of these three nitwits as the movie plays on. Along the way we meet a string of over-the-top characters, some of whom work for Elite Hunting and some of the demented souls who pay for the chance to take a human life.

The only worthwhile components of the film are the fleeting glimpses into the operating structure of Elite Hunting, something that was totally absent from the first film. When the girls check into their hostel in Slovakia, the caretaker takes their passports into a back room and scans their pictures into a database. Those pictures quickly go online and we see several well-to-do business types across the globe engaging in a fierce auction battle via computers and cell phones. It’s a chilling display of 21st Century technology and the only genuinely frightening part of the film.

Hostel: Part II also takes time to focus on two of the girls’ would-be-killers. Todd, a hyper-masculine he-man ‘buys’ two of the girls so he and his friend Stuart, a decidedly wimpy kind of guy, can fulfill some kind of alpha male fantasy of domination and power. I found myself feeling bad for Stuart most of the film, as he is generally opposed to the whole idea of killing someone and repeatedly tries to back out of the arrangement. Roth rewards you for this early sympathy by having Stuart go off the deep end, far surpassing Todd’s demented psychosis.

Then again, the people who pay to see films like this aren’t really looking for depth and meaning. They just want to see people get cut up into bloody little pieces. For the immature and biologically illiterate, the Hostel films might get the job done but anyone who knows anything about the human body can tell you that the gore in these films are nothing short of laughable. The inaccuracy of the gore is laughable, that is. The actual depiction of it on screen is still fairly unsettling when it doesn’t completely confuse you.

So why isn’t this film rated lower? Because I still believe that the concept of a company auctioning kidnapped people for slaughter at the hands of the highest bidder is an intriguing idea for a horror film. In two tries Roth is incapable of executing the true terror of his concept. Instead of taking the time to work on a decent story, he floods Hostel: Part II with gallons of blood to appeal to the lowest form of horror fans. His attempts at subtle emotional manipulation and exploitation stick out like sore thumbs.

Hostel: Part II tries to be edgy, creepy and disgusting. Only the latter applies, though it can also be labeled as sophomoric, perverted and trivial. I was fortunate enough to catch this film via my On-Demand cable feature, so I didn’t have to pay for it. Perhaps if and when all the current torture porn junkies grow up they will realize that little separates the killers in this movie- who pay to torture and kill young women forced to dress in sexy outfits- and themselves- who paid to watch it from a third person point of view.

RATING: 1 out of 5

Showgirls (1995)

Despite all the nudity and provocative sexuality on display in this film, Showgirls is quite possibly the least sexy film I have ever had the displeasure of seeing. Pile on top of that a wretched script, abysmal acting and a plot that’s been rehashed dozens of times before, you get one of those “holy grails” of bad cinema that make movie history.

Naomi Malone (Elizabeth Berkley) is hitchhiking her way to Las Vegas. She’s tough as nails but still a naïve country girl and quickly finds herself alone in the heart of Las Vegas. She is taken in by Molly (Gina Ravera), a costumer at the Stardust Casino for one of Vegas’s elite showgirl productions. Naomi has stars in her eyes and dreams of being a showgirl but has to settle for working as a stripper to make ends meet. Molly introduces Naomi to Cristal Connors (Gina Gershon), the star of Vegas’ hottest show but they do not get on well with each other.

Sure enough, Cristal and her boyfriend (Kyle MacLachlan) turn up in Naomi’s strip club the next night. Both are impressed by her and give her an audition as a background performer in Cristal’s show. Naomi swiftly learns the ins and outs of being a showgirl as well as the dark secrets to success. Friendships and rivalries blur together as Naomi becomes determined to become the top star in Vegas, whatever the cost.

So many films have been made around the concept of the “dark side of the industry” that it’s nearly impossible to keep track of them all. It also makes it very difficult for a new film taking that same angle to make itself standout. Showgirls does so by fully embracing the presumed negative stigma of an NC-17 rating. In some ways, this makes sense. How can you realistically showcase the underbelly of Las Vegas and the sadistic backstage antics of showgirls without nudity and vulgarity?

The trouble is that director Paul Verhoeven doesn’t seem to understand the concepts of restraint and moderation. (This is, after all, the man who gave us the ultra-violence of RoboCop and the hyper-sexuality of Basic Instinct.) While I believe that some nudity and swearing are appropriate for certain films when used artistically or for dramatic or comedic impact, the gratuitous use of either is a detriment to a film. Showgirls isn’t just gratuitous with its sexual content and vulgarity, it’s downright gluttonous.

This brings about a critical problem for any film. Determined as she may be to succeed, Naomi is a despicable person. Sure, she’s a victim of circumstance, having to work in a strip club and all, but she comes to embrace her job and wields her sex appeal like a weapon. She uses sex and sexuality for personal gain and revenge. If she were just a little rough around the edges, she might get more sympathy from audiences. But instead, she’s liable to turn on a dime and shove a knife to your throat if you say the wrong thing. Her alpha-female tendencies, combined with her ability to curse like a sailor, is a major turn-off. This is not the story of an innocent girl getting dragged into the shadows of society. Naomi is already a bad girl and goes all too willingly into the darkest depths of pride, greed and self-interest.

Perhaps they thought audiences would be fooled into thinking Naomi was just a sweet, misunderstood girl by casting Elizabeth Berkley. Saved by the Bell had ended in 1993, but was still very popular in syndication, so the news of her being cast in a stripper movie caused quite a stir. On Bell, she was a smart, hard-nosed feminist who only ever had an issue with caffeine pills one episode, so her role in Showgirls was the polar opposite of what everyone was used to seeing her as. I can understand wanting to break away from type-casting but this certainly wasn’t the way to do it. Just like her character, Berkley is trying too hard to prove something to us and to herself. This leaves viewers with more awkward and amusing moments than anything else.

If Verhoeven is trying confront us with the grim realities of the Las Vegas entertainment industry, artistic and adult, he may have succeeded. If it’s in any way accurate, it paints a bleak picture of Vegas on the whole. But all the catty behavior, wild mood swings and hedonistic decisions are all too much to be real. Sure, there may indeed be a dark side of being a showgirl but I have to think that it is much less bipolar than what is on display in this film.

The script is pretty awful, throwing sexual puns and double entendres around like candy. You can almost see the actors rolling their eyes as they deliver their ridiculous lines. Only Berkley seems truly committed to her performance, thinking it will break her of her past and pave the way for future success. We all know how that turned out.

You can’t help but compare Showgirls to other backstage dramas. The Broadway Melody showed us the ins and outs of Broadway musicals in the 1920s. All About Eve showed us the drive it takes to succeed and usurp in theatre in the 1950s. And then there’s Showgirls with its strippers and skanks. There are countless other films about rising to the top of any given industry, so I guess a film about showgirls was inevitable. That doesn’t mean it was necessary though. If you happen to watch this stinker of a film, you’ll quickly find out that it wasn’t.

RATING: 0.75 out of 5

The Corpse Vanishes (1942)

Ah the B-movie. Where would we be without these cheesy tales of horror and suspense? They were never more than mildly satisfying in their heyday and are only worth watching now because they are laughably bad by modern standards. Such is the case with The Corpse Vanishes. While there is probably no way of doing a bad film “right,” this one leaves me thinking that there could actually be a pretty promising story underneath a lot of muck.

A number of brides have been dropping dead at the altar only to have their bodies disappear before the coroner arrives. News reporter Patricia Hunter is on the case at first just for the juicy gossip but she and a doctor team up after discovering a shocking clue that piles mystery on top of intrigue. The women weren’t suddenly dying after all- they were being placed into a near-death like state by poisoned orchids mysteriously delivered to each bride just before walking down the aisle.

The culprit turns out to be they shifty Dr. Lorenz (Bela Lugosi), a botanist and mad scientist. He poisons the brides-to-be and whisks them away to his secret basement laboratory in order to transfer their bodily fluids into his wife in an attempt to keep her forever young. As Patricia and Dr. Foster put the pieces together, it become a game of cat and mouse as Dr. Lorenz sets his sights on the young and lovely Patricia.

While all the medical and scientific advancements in the last few decades would still leave The Corpse Vanishes as a laughable story today, the idea of a scientist finding a way to preserve youth through unscrupulous means wasn’t a bad plot for the 1940s. The execution of that little idea is where everything started to go wrong.

Dr. Lorenz’s setup is all too much. I understand the desire to keep his wife looking young. I understand the need to snatch up young girls in order to serve that purpose. What I can’t wrap my head around is why it has to be brides. All of his targets are young women, which makes sense, but let’s face it- despite what nostalgia might like you to believe, even in the 1940s there was no guarantee that a young bride was a virgin, so that can’t be the reason. Lorenz is really taking a big risk, assuming the bride will even smell the orchid and be affected. He’s also taking a large risk by trying to beat the coroner to the punch and making off with the near-dead bride.

It’s all too complicated and intricate to make any sense. If all he needs is young women, he could easily pluck them up off the street. Or he could set up a front business as a funeral parlor for his little scheme. The way he tries to get away with it dooms him to failure from the get-go. This setup may be necessary in order for the good guys to find the clues and connect the dots but it’s too intricate and unnecessary to suspend disbelief.

The writing is pretty much on par for weak B-movies and the acting follows suit. The good guys tackle their roles the best they can but even they fall victim to awkward lines and stiffly delivered discoveries. Bela Lugosi does a lot of scowling and doesn’t use many big words. His accent isn’t as pronounced as it was a decade before with Dracula but it still aides him in sounding evil and mysterious.

The one obvious sticking point for The Corpse Vanishes is that there aren’t any vanishing corpses. Sure, everyone at the church believes the would-be-bride to have died, but she’s really just been heavily sedated. Maybe I’m being too picky on that one but I really hate false advertising.

Fortunately, this film is a short one, coming in at just 64 minutes. For added amusement, check out the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version. I watched it with the MST3K treatment and they certainly didn’t miss any opportunity to fill this pause-ridden film (at least while Lugosi is on screen) with hilarious comments.

RATING: 0.5 out of 5