Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

I’m not really sure where to begin with this review because I’m not really sure what exactly I have watched. The obvious answer is the sequel to 2007’s Transformers, a movie that I quite enjoyed. Sadly, calling this film just a sequel is far too kind. What Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen actually turns out to be is little more than a candy-coated barrage of computer-generated carnage with only the scantest pauses for actual story development. Not the kind of transformation that audiences, or the studios, were looking for in a multi-million dollar film franchise.

Two years after the search for the All Spark brought alien robots to Earth, the Autobots are helping mankind secretly dispose of the few remaining Decepticon forces. They are warned by one dying robot of a pending onslaught by a Transformer known as The Fallen, who attempted to destroy the Earth over 15,000 years ago. A band of Transformers known as the Dynasty of Primes defeated The Fallen, forcing him into exile up to now.

Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is headed to college, putting a strain on his relationship with girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox). He discovers a fragment of the All Spark on the shirt he wore two years earlier, which starts off another series of adventures for him and his friends. Contact with the fragment uploads all kinds of Transformer information into his mind and makes him a target for the Decepticons. The Fallen learns of the fragment from his underlings and has Megatron resurrected with it in order to kill Optimus Prime (the only known Cybertronian capable of defeating The Fallen). His plot is then to find and use the Matrix of Leadership to activate a machine hidden in the pyramids of Egypt that will destroy the Earth entirely.

Director Michael Bay has blamed the poor quality of this film on the fact that he and the studio rushed the script through to avoid any production delays due to the 2007-08 Writer’s Guild strike. On one hand, this makes perfect sense because a production delay could have led to conflicts with the actors’ future schedules and even possibly pushing the movie’s release back a year. The outcome, however, proves that you can’t rush creativity.

I find it amusing that shortening this film’s subtitle gives you the letters ROTF, which can also stand for ‘rolling on the floor’ (add an ‘L’ for ‘laughing’ to complete the web-trendy shorthand phrase). Unfortunately, as bad as this sequel is at times, you find yourself frustrated and confused more often than amused. Between the history of The Fallen and the Dynasty of Primes, and new revelations from former Sector Seven crazy man Simmons (John Turturro), Revenge retcons most of what we know about the history between Autobots, Decepticons, Earth and mankind. Wouldn’t it be simpler for The Fallen to sneak up on Earth with some kind of super-weapon requiring part of the All Spark to work instead of re-writing the history that was so concisely explained to us in the first film? Why exactly was it necessary to resurrect Megatron? Furthermore, why didn’t Sam Witwicky wash that shirt in two years time?

As if things weren’t confusing enough, Bay and his team throw in a few inaccuracies to boot. There is a scene where they discover a 1,000 year old Transformer hiding in the National Air and Space Museum. The only problem with this is the fact that it’s clearly not the Air and Space Museum because there are no wooded areas in downtown Washington D.C. (a different facility was misattributed in the film). Frankly there is no excuse for this kind of glaring factual error no matter how pressed for time you are. I mean, they filmed the scenes at the real air center. Couldn’t somebody have made sure that they called it by the name on the signs outside? Maybe?

The retcons and errors have barely any time to sink until after the credits role because Revenge wouldn’t be a Michael Bay film without ridiculous amounts of action. If the first Transformers left you thirsty for more robot-on-robot and robot-on-human violence, then you’re in luck! As soon as any of our characters have more than five minutes to catch their breath a new volley of action gets underway. There’s destruction in China followed by a Decepticon attack at Sam’s Pennsylvania college, segueing into a robot battle in the middle of a forest, and culminating in several simultaneous raging conflicts in Egypt.

Had enough yet? Too bad! On top of it all, Bay and company throw in some raunchy humor, including a small quadruped robot that humps Megan Fox’s leg, an old-timer robot who falls asleep easily, and a pair of twin Autobots that attracted oodles of negative publicity for using stereotypical African-American slang and behavior. I can understand throwing a little comedic relief into the mix because this is, after all, a movie based on a children’s show, itself was based on a line of children’s toys. The jokes and physical humor on display here, however, are just plain stupid.

Rushed is the best word to describe Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It’s two and a half hours long but you won’t notice the time passing. The film yanks you along from scene to scene at a hurried pace, only leaving you time to digest anything at the end. Then the questions come flooding in but you are so fatigued from all the explosions, slow-motion carnage and whiplash-inducing camerawork that you don’t really want to think about anything.

In this way, Michael Bay almost pulls off the magic trick. By throwing enough rapid-fire content at our eyes and ears we are nearly stunned into submission. But enough of the illusion is faulty that the whole charade falls apart, revealing Revenge as nothing more than a sketchy smoke and mirror show needing more attention to detail and at least a half-dozen re-writes.

RATING: 1.25 out of 5