SECOND HELPINGS: Twilight (2008)

First and foremost, I want to apologize for the overlong rant that was my original review. Good Lord, what a mess! Much of my criticism still stands but I will try to make it a little more eloquent and far more concise. We’ll start with this: Twilight is a very flawed film. There are issues with just about every aspect, technical and artistic. The biggest problem, however, is that the popularity of the book takes all the surprise out of the movie, making this film boring.

When the young-adult novel this film is based on was breaking waves, nobody was describing it as a girl falling in love with a mysterious boy. No, they were describing it as a vampire romance, a Romeo & Juliet story with a vampire twist, or some other way that included the word ‘vampire.’ Even the marketing of the film spoiled the big reveal that the film spends an hour building toward. It ruins the suspense and leaves us with nothing to do but analyze the merits of the first hour. This is dangerous because there is plenty to gripe about if you’re not a Twihard (slang for Twilight die-hard, if it isn’t obvious).

More than enough has already been written about how poor the writing is for both the book and film but I have to comment briefly. The biggest problem I have with the writing in this film is that it presents a worldview where Bella’s wild teenage emotions are totally justified and presented as normal. I understand the importance of writing to your audience but you don’t need to validate poor decision-making. When your target audience consists of tweens and teens, I hold the author/screenwriters responsible for setting a few things straight to help readers/viewers to identify the mistakes of their heroine. There is none of that here.

Character development is another issue that plagues this film. By the end of the film, Bella knows herself and the world of vampires better but has her character actually grown? She is still the clumsy girl who makes bad decisions and can’t keep herself out of harm’s way. Edward certainly hasn’t changed either. He’s still the brooding, wannabe James Dean type. Now he just has a committed girlfriend to look after. It’s a good thing he never sleeps, because as accident-prone as Bella is, he’ll need to monitor her almost round the clock.

Chemistry between characters is hit or miss. Some of that is due to the writing, while some of it is also due some weak acting. Bella’s human friends think she’s super smart because she comes up clever ideas that work out great. Does any of this build up her confidence? Of course not. If it did, then she probably wouldn’t let Edward treat her like an object. Let’s be clear- he only grows to love her after he gets past his desire to drink her blood. There is no love at first sight- only intrigue from Bella and bloodlust from Edward. It’s a very messed up foundation for a relationship.

I think the biggest flaw of Twilight is that the filmmakers tried too hard to make up for the weak story without changing the story. Instead of making much needed improvements to the script, the studio embraces Twilight’s inherent mediocrity and runs with it. The end result is a mess of moody incidental music, spinning cameras, creepy glances, and a digitally-altered color palette that sucks a little too much color out of the world. Pile on top of this some really lousy visual effects and you have more than enough to make uninitiated folks like myself balk.

If you even out the pace of Twilight, you will end up with a better movie. Spend a little less time building up to the reveal that everyone already knows about and stretch out the cat-and-mouse game with the hunter vampire and this film may even become a taught thriller. Instead we have a whole lot of exposition and nothing happening for an hour and a half with a half hour of break-neck action at the end.

The filmmakers probably kept pretty close to the pace of the book to keep the Twihards of the world happy. Happy filmgoers generate repeat viewings and an instantaneous demand for an adaptation of the sequel novel. This is further evidence that the financial success of the book got in the way of making the film anything remotely close to an artistic success.

ORIGINAL RATING: 2.5 out of 5

NEW RATING: 2.5 out of 5

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

With chick-lit fans swooning like hormonal teenagers over a dreamy vampire, the first Twilight film became a little engine that could. Its success secured the adaptation of the rest of the series in short order. Success, however, is not an indicator of quality. New Moon hammers home the fact that the more things change, the more they stay the same. If you know me or have read my review for the first film, you probably know what’s coming next.

Bella doesn’t like the fact that she’s growing “older” than her vampire boyfriend Edward, so she asks him to convert her to his kind. Edward doesn’t like the fact that anytime Bella gets a paper cut his adopted ‘brother’ Jasper goes berserk and tries to attack her. In true teenage melodrama fashion, Edward blows Bella off, ends their relationship and moves out of town with his family. It’s sudden, nonsensical and (for Bella) heart-breaking.

After a few months of moping, Bella discovers that every time she does anything dangerous she sees Edward as if he were right beside her. This leads her down a path of daredevil antics that nearly gets her killed. She also gets to know her childhood pal Jacob Black, who is harboring a mysterious secret of his own. He falls in love with her but Bella doesn’t reciprocate, leading him to trick the Cullen’s into thinking that Bella has died. This drives Edward, who still loves her after all, to expose himself to humans, which will force the Volturi (a powerful group of ancient vampires) to destroy him. Catching wind of this, Bella frantically tries to stop him.

If you think I just gave away the entire plot of the film, then you haven’t seen any of the trailers. They lay out just about every detail I listed above. It’s one of the many oddities about this film series. Their marketing efforts are focused solely on those who have read the books and already know what’s going to happen. The first Twilight film fell victim to this as you had to wait around for an hour to find out the obvious- Edward is a vampire. Similarly, New Moon makes you wait roughly an hour to discover another obvious fact- Jacob is a werewolf. If you didn’t see this coming, then you haven’t seen the trailers or read the books, and your ability to pick up on foreshadowing from the first film is woefully underdeveloped.

In many ways, Bella’s discovery of Jacob’s secret mirrors her discovery of Edward’s blood-sucking tendencies in the first film. She is drawn to him only as a friend, so there is minimal hormonal lip-biting, but just like Edward, Jacob is there to save Bella from her clumsiness and poor decisions. Edward disappeared on very sunny days, driving Bella to wonder. This time, Jacob disappears for weeks on end without explanation. While Edward is cold to the touch, Jacob and his werewolf brethren are extremely warm to the touch. In fact, they generate so much body heat that young werewolf men are forced to walk around shirtless to keep cool, exposing their mega-buff bodies.

That’s right- just as author Stephanie Meyer made up a bunch of stuff about vampires for Twilight, she shows a similar disregard for historical werewolf lore in New Moon. Jacob and his tribesmen don’t turn into the traditionally hideous man-beasts of old either. Rather, they turn into gigantic wolves. Despite a larger budget, the visual effects are still sorely lacking. Also, the notion that these buff lycanthropes need to go sans-shirt panders to both the author’s and viewers’ adolescent desires to see hot guys.

One of the worst examples of story progression in recent memory occurs when Edward finally calls to check on Bella after giving her the cold, quiet treatment for months on end. Jacob is with her and answers the phone. He leads Edward to believe that his love is dead. Edward goes all suicidal vampire without even as much as a second call to anyone else who might be able to corroborate Bella’s fate.

This turning point finally produces some action, though, just like in Twilight, it comes nearly three-quarters of the way through the movie. From here on out New Moon adopts a break-neck pace that throws new faces and places at you too quickly to remember them all. Then, to top it all off, is the mother of all anticlimactic cliff-hanger endings. If nothing else, Jacob’s stern warning to Bella and Edward gives me hope that the third installment of this series will actually have some kind of sustained plot and tension running the whole way through. It would certainly be a major improvement over the first two.

Twi-hards may go gaga over this film because it brings their beloved, if not poorly-developed, characters to life. The sad truth is that New Moon repeats the Twilight formula in a way that is even less satisfying than its predecessor. If the screenwriters were true to the book than Meyer has no concept of adequate story pacing whatsoever. But perhaps the most egregious sin committed here is this: New Moon is a story that involves both vampires and werewolves yet it equates to two-plus hours of almost sheer boredom.

RATING: 2 out of 5

Twilight (2008)

Based on the hit series of teen romance novels, Twilight takes centuries of vampire lore and turns it on its head. Catering to teens with no concept of what love really is, young women who love the idea of being in love and lustful cougars who like to eye up attractive teenage boys, Twilight rises above what could have otherwise been a train wreck of epic proportions. I am by no means, however, suggesting that this film is any good.

Awkward, quasi-emo 17-year-old Bella Swan has to move in with her father while her mother’s new husband pursues a minor league baseball career in Florida. Bella moves from the sun and heat of Arizona to the perpetually cloudy town of Forks, Washington. At her new high school, Bella is big news as the new kid and she meets a variety of interesting people. She is fascinated by the odd-ball Cullen family, especially Edward. This interest is not exactly reciprocated though, as Edward seems repulsed by Forks’ newest resident.

After a few days absence, Edward returns to school and apologizes to Bella for making such a bad first impression. Like any good teenage girl, this causes Bella to swoon with infatuation for this mysterious boy sitting next to her in science class. His behavior changes almost daily between friendly and distant and from nonchalant to hovering, further confusing our poor girl. After Edward miraculously saves her life, Bella starts putting the pieces together and realizes that Edward and his family are vampires.

The fact that everyone and their uncle already knows that Twilight is about a girl falling in love with a vampire makes the first hour feel like wasted time. Fans of the book series will enjoy watching Bella’s discovery play out but, thanks to the trailers and legions of female fans raving about the books, there is little in the way of suspense or interest for the uninitiated. We already know this revelation is coming, so waiting an hour for it is frustrating.

The pace lags on for another half-hour as Bella is awkwardly introduced to Edward’s family, all of whom have sworn off drinking human blood to survive, and the two officially become something of a couple. Finally, after 90 minutes of awkward moments, lip biting, hormonal pining and stiffly delivered dialogue, something actually happens. Bella joins the Cullens for a laughable game of vampire baseball and their game is intruded upon by a trio of wandering vampires who prefer the traditional way of feeding. One of these vampires notices Bella’s scent and becomes obsessed with feeding upon her. The Cullens ward him off initially but they know that this ‘tracker’ vampire won’t stop until he drinks Bella dry.

The last quarter of the film is a blur of the Cullens trying to hide Bella, Bella being tricked out of hiding, Bella being captured by the baddie vampire and a fang-filled throw-down at the end. It’s almost enough to give you whiplash but not nearly enough to make up for the plodding pace of the first three quarters of the film.

Twilight was produced on a relatively modest budget of $37 million. Most of this budget seems to have been spent on post-production digital grading to suck most of the saturation and brightness out of the film. Everything but the greens in the forest looks unnaturally pale and bleak, the fakeness of which will drive hardcore cinephiles nuts all movie long. It seems that very little of the budget was spent on visual effects because most of the scenes involving Edward running super-fast or climbing trees with the greatest of ease will make you laugh out loud if you aren’t obsessed with the story.

The cast is made up of relative unknowns, which does help the film stay grounded as opposed to one major star being the focus. In this way, Twilight is able to use the story to draw in its audience. This is laudable in that the marketing department is forced to sell the story instead of the faces on the screen but it also does little to draw interest from anyone who hasn’t read the books.

I want to say that the actors do the best with the material they are given here. I really do. I’m just not sure I believe that. Most of the cast has never had a meaty role in their career and it shows. On top of this dearth of serous experience is a terrible script. I have yet to read the Twilight books, so I have to assume that the script is a major step down in quality. Otherwise I will have to wonder how author Stephenie Meyer ever got published.

Some of Meyer’s twists on vampire lore are interesting while others make no sense at all. The fact that the author only did cursory research into the characteristics of vampires is evident. Giving each vampire a different individual ability is a smart mechanism that allows each of the Cullen family to serve a purpose beyond being pale and intimidating. The notion of sparkly skin in the sunlight and certain humans having intoxicating scents, however, are the kind of ridiculous drivel that belongs in pulpy romance novels.

One lingering issue I have with the film is what draws our Romeo and Juliet together. Bella seems drawn to Edward largely because of his James Dean-eqsue attitude, his ability to protect her from a never-ending streak of clumsiness and stupid decisions, and simply because he is dangerous. Edward is drawn to Bella solely because her scent is like his ‘own brand of heroin.’ So basically, Edward wants to suck Bella’s blood and that turns her on. Edward seems to be settling for palling around with her since he has sworn off feeding on humans. Doesn’t anyone else find it the least bit odd that this vampire romance has almost nothing to do with love?

In the end, Twilight is a hit-or-miss kind of movie. Fans of the book series will be enthralled to see it all play out before their eyes. Some newcomers to the series may enjoy it while others will shrug their shoulders and move on. Girls and women will dig it but guys will likely be turned off by the ridiculous amounts of pining, spinning camera work, moody guitar music and teen angst designed to make you think these star-crossed lovers are every bit as important as the needlessly wordy script suggests.

RATING: 2.5 out of 5