Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007)

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!

This film suffers from a case of toomuchitis. It is a prime example overindulgence in cinema and it brings the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy to a far from satisfying conclusion.

Lord Beckett, now in possession of Davy Jones’ heart, uses Jones to track down and kill as many pirates as possible. The pirates, of course, are not happy about this and sing a creepy pirate song to summon the nine pirate lords to council together to take action against Beckett. The only problem is that Captain Jack Sparrow is one of the pirate lords and is, well, dead. Sort of. He is trapped in Davy Jones’ locker, so his friends and associates band together to rescue him.

To do this they need to steal a map from Sao Feng, a pirate lord from Singapore. There is lying, stealing, action and adventure that all starts out the film making very little sense. It is very hard to figure out what is going on and it is even more difficult to try and piece together the plot as it is dispensed piece by piece throughout the film. Deals are made and broken; agreements are made and abandoned; and it’s all so long and confusing that it barely makes any sense.

The first hour focuses on rescuing Sparrow from Davy Jones’ Locker, which features Jack commanding a ship crewed by multiple versions of him. This essentially drives Sparrow and the audience a little bonkers. One Jack is enough, thank you very much. Their escape is bizarre and long-winded.

The story next moves onto all the swindling, double-crossing, deal-making and fighting. None of the double-crosses and the numerous sub-plots play out as well as Disney hoped they would. Instead of an inspired tale of twists and turns, I was left to ask “Huh?” far too frequently for any movie.

It’s sometimes hard to tell what is driving the characters as well. Are they acting upon old information we were supposed to remember from the first two films or is there something new going on? Speaking of characters, several supporting characters have reduced roles and either fade to the background or are rubbed out of the story completely.

Most of the visual effects are pretty good, but there is a sense of “been there, done that” in At World’s End. It’s hard to make naval battles look fresh and original in the third installment of the series, and the music falls back on familiar themes and never really hammers home the action with fresh beats or twists on the old familiar score.

So, in some ways, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End suffers in excess, but those same examples of excess are also examples of not enough. While the film is nearly 3 hours long, there’s not enough action or cognizant story to make it all worthwhile. While there is an overabundance of neat CGI work, there’s not enough character and emotion behind it all to make you care one way or another about the characters.

The final two insults come at the end of the film.

First, Will Turner (played by Orlando Bloom) is killed by Davy Jones. Will gets some semblance of revenge by stabbing Jones’ heart, thereby taking over as captain of The Flying Dutchman, but as captain he may only step foot on dry land once every 10 years, royally screwing up any kind of happy ending for Will and Elizabeth (Kiera Knightley). It’s a very dour way to conclude your story. Evidently there is a clip at the end of the credits that undoes all of this, but that seems to fly in the face of all the information given to us in the film.

Secondly, it’s left somewhat open-ended. Jack is cast off the Black Pearl yet again but he first steals a map pointing the way to Florida and the supposed location of the fountain of youth. This leaves the door open for Disney to make yet another Pirates film should they choose to do so. This essentially leaves us like the first installment left us- with some form of resolution, but not enough to go home and be completely satisfied and assured that the tale is over.

To be frank, At World’s End does a poor job of wrapping things up from Dead Man’s Chest because it adds too many new things to the mix to iron out evenly at the end. It is too long, too twisty-turny and spends too much time reveling in Jack Sparrow because it thinks that is what we want.

If you have only seen the first installment, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, stop where you are. Parts 2 and 3 will only dilute the fun and satisfaction of the original.

RATING: 2.5 out of 5

Transformers (2007)

Taking the story of a popular toy line and turning what was formerly just a cartoon series into a live-action movie is a bold proposition. For as long as I can remember, there was always interest in bringing the Transformers to the big screen, but the logistics of doing so often caused much trepidation on the part of the studios and filmmakers. This always led to the abandonment of the project. Always, that is, until Michael Bay came along.

Michael Bay’s résumé is quite bi-polar. He has had several smashing financial successes (Armageddon, The Rock) and at least one box office bomb (The Island). Even when he’s had financial success, the quality of his movies have been suspect (both Armageddon and Pearl Harbor were both panned by critics and nominated for Worst Picture at their respective Razzie Awards). So while making money off of a live-action Transformers film was a foregone conclusion, many of us wondered if it would be any good.

The answer is a resounding YES! Transformers brings all the explosive, noisy fun you were hoping for and wraps it up with a bow of fantastic special effects. And then there’s more! I was very surprised and impressed by how seriously the story was treated without going overboard into melodrama. You really do get a sense that the fate of the world hangs in the balance.

Shia LaBeouf leaves no doubts about it- he has matured into a real actor and has broken away from the kiddie stuff that got him into the business. He more than convincingly portrays a less-than-popular high school student trying to make sense of the life and death struggle between two warring races of alien robots, the Autobots and the Decepticons.

Most of the writing is very sharp and surprisingly dramatic. LaBeouf’s character (Sam Witwicky) buys a car that turns out to be an Autobot (the good guys). At first it just seems like the car is full of quirks, but when the Decepticons (the bad guys) attack him, the information starts to roll out. Witwicky’s grandfather discovered the Decpticon leader, Megatron, frozen in the ice of the Arctic Circle. Not all the systems were shut down though, as Megatron etched the coordinates to a powerful energy source onto the man’s glasses.

The glasses are now in the hands of Sam and posting them on eBay almost literally brings the battle to his front door. The energy source they both seek is the All-Spark. It is so powerful that it can be wielded for creative or destructive purposes. The Autobots are for the former; the Decipticons, the latter.

There are plenty of battle scenes, as the Decepticons clash with both humans and Autobots, causing much drama, suspense and destruction. Most of these action sequences involve the Transformers shifting from the vehicular forms into full-fledged robots, which is almost always seamless and breathtaking. For much of the film, these transforming sequences do not look fake. The Transformers really look like they exist side by side with their human counterparts.

I really only have a few quibbles with this otherwise solid film. First, the acting and writing goes over the top when the Sector 7 folks show up. John Turturro is way out of line and I honestly thought he was a Decipticon hologram. Frankly, I wish he would have been.

Also, while the transforming sequences were spectacular to look at, I took issue with the size and weight that these Transformers possess when they are in the robot forms. They are very tall and appear to weigh a lot, as running and slamming into things creates a lot of damage to the ground and buildings. Maybe they could have done a bit more comparable physics research but this is mostly excusable.

The All-Spark is almost a MacGuffin in that it motivates the Transformers to do what they do and is the central item that the conflict occurs over. But, it appears very late in the film and is gone so quickly that it almost feels anticlimactic. Then again, this is the toy/cartoon resolution that I should have been expecting, so it too is excusable.

My final quibble is with the music. Much of the orchestral music is beautiful and dramatic and works very well to compliment the action. But sometimes during battle sequences, the filmmakers ditch the dramatic score and throw in modern rock tunes. To be fair, this decision helps keep the film mindful of its core audience (kids, teens and kids at heart), but it did pull me out of it just a tad.

All in all, this was a very impressive film. So many things could have been overdone or underdone, but just about everything was hit just right. The story was treated seriously enough for adults to enjoy but kept fun enough to keep the younger crowd on the edge of their seats. Awesome effects, dizzying camera work and sharp acting make Transformers something to remember.

This isn’t just a popcorn pleaser. If you’ve still got a kid somewhere inside you, check this one out.

RATING: 3.5 out of 5

The Fast and the Furious (1955)

You may be asking yourself, “Didn’t he already write a review for this movie?” The answer to that question is yes. And no. I wrote a review for the 2001 street racing film of the same name. This film titled The Fast and the Furious is the original. The recent movie just bought the rights to use the name and is totally unrelated to this relatively decent thriller.

John Ireland stars as Frank Webster, a man who recently broke out of jail while serving time for a murder he didn’t commit. At a small-town gas station and road stop, Webster takes a young woman (Connie) and her sports car hostage. With the police in pursuit, they enter the car in a border-crossing rally race that will allow him to get away to Mexico.

Along the way sparks fly between Webster and Connie. She continually tries to escape towards the beginning and does her best to irritate him. By the end of the film they share a mutual romantic interest in each other. They dodge the police, some of Connie’s suspicious friends at the rally race, and other cars during his frantic race for freedom.

While The Fast and the Furious was made as a B-movie, it does have a few merits to speak of. The filming of the race sequences is done quite well and involves some very good stunt driving. The action is tense and keeps you on the edge of your seat as well.

Otherwise, the script is weak (as can be expected from a B-movie) and the acting is a little over-the-top sometimes, but it all adds up to a pleasant 70 minutes in front of the TV screen. The filmmakers weren’t trying to win any Oscars here and they pull off just about all they set out to do.

There is no comparison between The Fast and the Furious and the 2001 film of the same name. This film is by far better, but still nothing too special. Some moviegoers will recognize many of the films elements from the 1994 film The Chase, which is strikingly similar, but not a true remake since The Fast and the Furious was released on the B-market and never made any serious Hollywood rotation.

All in all, a decent little adventure film.

RATING: 3.25 out of 5

Meet the Parents (2000)

Who would have ever thought Robert De Niro could leave you in stitches and gasping for air? Well, we know he can do that physically, especially given his filmography, but Meet the Parents shows a side of De Niro that very few could have expected to see. The man knows comedy and is one of the driving forces behind the success of this film.

Ben Stiller plays Gaylord “Greg” Focker, a semi-socially awkward male nurse. Teri Polo, a relative unknown at the time, plays Greg’s girlfriend Pam Byrnes. Greg has plans to propose to Pam in a very unique way but Pam gets a phone call from her sister who just got engaged. While listening to Pam’s side of the conversation, Greg overhears Pam say that it was a good thing her sister’s fiancé asked their father for permission first. Greg takes note and abandons his proposal plans until after their upcoming weekend at the Byrnes’ household.

Ironically, this will be the first time Greg has ever met Pam’s parents, so first impressions are a must. Naturally, everything goes wrong. After losing his luggage (and the ring) due to airline incompetence, Greg endures a series of awkward encounters with Pam’s family, her sister’s future in-laws, her ex-boyfriend and even the family cat.

Greg bumbles and fumbles his way through the weekend trying to impress Pam’s stern father. While he is said to be a florist, Jack Byrnes is really a retired CIA operative and deadly serious about everything he does. De Niro’s dead-on approach makes the character perfectly balanced between being kind of creepy and hilariously over the top. Stiller’s trademark goofiness shines through as well, especially in the scenes where his goofiness is forced to be restrained, heightening the awkwardness. Whether it was a decision made by the actors or the director, it was a wise choice.

The humor in Meet the Parents is mostly harmless. While some risqué subjects and gags are carried out, they are done with an innocence about them that modern gross-out comedies can’t quite grasp. Instead of being outright offensive, Meet the Parents loosens viewers up with a string of good jokes and gags and then slips in something otherwise shocking. Instead of going for all-out knee-jerkers, the film aims for hearty chuckles with a dash of uproarious laughter if the audience is willing.

The concept of Meet the Parents adds weight to the humor. Meeting a significant other’s parents for the first time is almost always a nervous time. The film compounds the pressure by having Greg asking permission to marry Pam, another nerve-wracking situation. All this pressure is something many people can relate to, which is an asset to any film and especially to comedies.

With a great majority of audiences knowing what it’s like to meet important new people, a connection is made between the characters and the viewers. We end up embracing these strangers on screen and welcome them into our hearts and minds as friends. We end up cheering for them and with them and we also groan and sympathize when things go awry yet again. In the end, we all get the absurd triumph we’re expecting, but it doesn’t seem obvious to us. It’s a hard fought victory for our team and we leave the theater or living room we watch the film in with a smile on our faces.

While Meet the Parents is not a tour de force of funny, it provides for plenty of laughs and makes for a darn good time at the movies. It is definitely worth seeing.

RATING: 3.5 out of 5

Raiders of the Lost Ark* (1981)

There’s really nothing I can say about this film that hasn’t already been said before. Raiders of the Lost Ark launched the Indiana Jones series and solidified both Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg as Hollywood titans. It is a near-perfect blend of action, romance, humor and drama.

Raiders of the Lost Ark sets itself apart from many other adventure films because the main character, Indiana Jones, is a scholarly archeologist. He’s not just a smug, dashing hero- he’s also a brilliant researcher who knows his stuff. The inclusion of real artifacts into the tale is a big plus. Looking for the much fabled Ark of the Covenant provides for both archeological and religious information that is both interesting and enlightening. This rare blend of education and entertainment is the driving force behind the success of the film and its sequels.

Harrison Ford was in the middle of the Star Wars saga when he did this film and it proved his worth and acting chops, as he plays the debonair yet gritty Dr. Jones to perfection. He makes the character his own and does so in a believable fashion. The supporting cast also does a tremendous job in their respective roles, creating one thrill ride of a film that is great from start to finish.

While a few of the special effects show their age nowadays, Raiders of the Lost Ark pushed the envelope back in 1981. The stunt work is very carefully choreographed and the script wastes no time advancing the action and the storyline simultaneously. This is such an enormous benefit that many Indy clones and knock-offs fail to pull off. Instead of shifting focus from the action and the information, Raiders of the Lost Ark keeps its sights on both sides of the equation the whole way through.

It is because of this that the film is so darn engaging and fun. Jones is too charismatic not to like and the quest for the Ark is too interesting and important not to care about. Viewers become heavily invested in the characters, the action and the purpose by the end of the film, which all makes for a triumphant picture. The addition of John Williams’ legendary score helped solidify Raiders of the Lost Ark as one of the most important and memorable films of all time.

As goofy and unlikely as some of the action and decisions may be, you can’t deny this tour de force. It is one of the rare great films that can be watched and enjoyed endlessly, no matter how many times you have seen it before. Raiders is one of my all-time favorite movies, but my rating is certainly not tainted by subjectivity. This film is hailed by many critics, actors, directors and (most importantly) movie goers as one rapid-fire thrill ride that’s sure to please (it was even nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars!).

I made sure to make this one of my milestone movies and it is a more than worthy addition to this site.

RATING: 4.5 out of 5

Joe's Apartment (1996)

Like Weekend at Bernie’s, Joe’s Apartment has a special guilty pleasure quality to it. This was MTV’s first film and, since I was in my teens at the time it was produced, it was a big deal for my generation. MTV has gone on to create countless movies and most have sucked, but there was and still is something special about the initial novelty of Joe’s Apartment.

Perhaps it was because MTV was still hip and worth watching at the time, or maybe it was because MTV was in tune with the current generation’s sense of style and humor, but somehow I connected with this film. It stars Jerry O’Connell, who was popular from the show Sliders at the time, as Joe, a recent college grad looking to make it in the Big Apple. Unfortunately, Joe doesn’t exactly land on his feet. He’s strapped for cash and only manages to secure a disgusting apartment in one of the most dilapidated buildings in New York by pretending to be a dead tenant’s son.

A powerful senator wants to turn the block the apartment sits on into a super-maximum security prison and is using thugs and lowlifes to drive tenants out of the complex. Joe just happens to be the last person in the building and the thugs don’t feel like being friendly about giving him the boot. Fortunately for Joe, his slobbish tendencies and messy lifestyle has won him the affection of the thousands of cockroaches living in the building. Not only do they defend him from the thugs, but they can sing and dance as well.

The biggest source of humor for the film is the antics carried out by the roaches, all of which were animated into the film in all their scenes. They are able to talk and do any number of anthropomorphic actions, but they just keep this a secret from humans, who have long sought to destroy the creatures because of their reputations as pests. Joe and the roaches reach a cautious mutual understanding that is tested several times during the course of the film.

Joe spots a girl in an alley and is instantly smitten. He eventually meets her and they start down the path to becoming an item. Things go awry when the roaches ruin Joe’s attempt at a romantic evening with the girl. She freaks out and runs away. It just so happens that this girl is trying to turn the area around Joe’s apartment into a public park and her dad happens to be the senator with plans for a prison. Everybody ends up at odds, leaving the roaches to try and sort everything out.

The fact that all the roaches were animated is impressive. CGI was still coming along at the time and traditional animation must have taken forever. Also, kudos must be given to Jerry O’Connell for being daring enough to take on a role that forced him to shout at an empty room and at things that weren’t there. It takes a lot to be able to make the situation believable and O’Connell pulls it off nicely. There is never a disconnect where he seems unfocused or lazy in his approach.

Joe’s Apartment is far from Oscar quality, but the original songs by the roaches are cute and oddly endearing. MTV managed to make cockroaches loveable (at least for one film) and showed that they were capable of making movies too. It expanded their entertainment potential and paved the way for future cable TV productions. It’s weird and gross at times (the roaches’ humor is mostly crude) but for those of us who grew up during the 90s, Joe’s Apartment is a part of the nostalgia for that era.

I for one enjoy the film as something of a guilty pleasure, but there’s really nothing guilty about enjoying this film. You just need to have the heart of a teenager for 80 minutes and you’ll have yourself a good time.

RATING: 2.75 out of 5

Weekend at Bernie's (1989)

I’ll admit right off the bat that this film has very little appeal or merit outside of being something of a quirky cult classic. I happen to enjoy Weekend at Bernie’s though. It takes a plot that has certainly been used before but shakes things up a bit by making the action completely ridiculous and absurd. What it lacks in uniqueness, Weekend at Bernie’s makes up for in physical comedy and sight gags, a nice throw-back to more innocent comedies of yesteryear.

Larry and Richard are lowly accountants for a major New York firm who discover a major accounting error that will save the company a ton of money. Apparently someone set up an insurance policy that would defraud the firm for millions of dollars. They notify the head honcho of the firm who seems happy about the news and invites them to his posh beach house for Memorial Day weekend. The two are stunned and eagerly agree.

Turns out, their boss, Bernie, is the one trying to defraud his company for millions of dollars so he and some of his associates can make some easy money. He tells an associate to come by his beach house Memorial Day weekend and dispatch of the two accountants so that no one ever finds out about the scam. Instead, his associate hires an assassin to kill Bernie as well, due to his getting sloppy in acquiring the money.

Memorial Day weekend arrives and Bernie is killed first, only to be discovered by the two hapless accountants. At first they are dumbfounded and depressed- their weekend is totally shot! Then, Larry decides that they’ll just cover up the death so they can spend the weekend living the high life for a change. This involves many goofy scenarios of rigging up Bernie’s body to a number of contraptions to make him look alive.

It’s all fun and games until Larry and Richard discover that they too are being sought by an assassin and spend the rest of the weekend trying to avoid certain death. This brings on even more hilarity as Bernie’s apparent survival of the assassination frustrates the assassin to keep trying different ways to off the already-dead man. It’s cheek and the blank faced Bernie makes it all the goofier.

Most of the comedy comes from the charade of Bernie being alive. The body undergoes a number of bizarre situations that make it harder for Larry and Richard to keep the act up. But fortunately, just when it seems that everyone is on to them, the people who call themselves Bernie’s friends react as if it’s just crazy old Bernie living it up like he always does. Certainly, it’s not the kind of reaction that would occur in real life, but it’s only meant to be campy, absurd fun. And it is!

While Weekend at Bernie’s would never be deserving of any serious awards, it is a fun little film that gets high marks for both physical and black comedy. How often are you able to laugh at a dead body getting slammed around and manipulated for personal gain? The answer is not very often, which is why Weekend at Bernie’s is a fun little guilty pleasure of a film that will likely be remembered longer than some Oscar winners.

The first half hour or so of the film is completely forgettable, but once the dim-witted accountants hit the beach with a corpse in tow, the movie takes flight. Not quite dumb enough to be considered a “stupid movie,” Weekend at Bernie’s lands squarely in the middle of the pack as a guilty pleasure and is worthy (in my mind at least) of the cult classic following and fondness that it has developed over the years.

RATING: 2.75 out of 5

An American Tail (1986)

This animated classic is a piece of nostalgia that I am dearly fond of. Before even watching it for the first time in a few years I knew exactly how this film would rate. That doesn’t mean I didn’t give this film a fair assessment though. The animation, the music, the emotions- just about everything in this film is marvelous.

An American Tail is the story of immigration and hope. The Mousekewitz family lives in Russia under a time of great duress. They decide to flee to America, where everything is supposed to be better and they will be free from the tyranny of cats, who have tormented mice relentlessly in their homeland. Along the way, the only son gets lost at sea but makes it to America, only to start a frantic search to find his family. He is helped along the way by a number of colorful characters. Some are good and some are bad, and all of them have some kind of symbolic quality.

All of the mice represent the immigrants from Europe to America during the turn of the century, a period of significant immigration. Cats are the antagonists, representing the worst in Americans. They seek to eliminate the mice, doing anything they can to drive them from their homes. Some of them pretend to want to help the mice by offering them employment as indentured servants in mills and industry. A very few number of cats are actually kind and caring, thought they fit very awkwardly in with the rest of their kind.

It’s not really the cheeriest depiction of how the US handled immigration and I’m not sure it’s an entirely fair one. Producers David Kirschner and Steven Spielberg are both Jewish and Spielberg has a knack for highlighting the plight of the Jews when possible. It’s not that I don’t believe Jews and immigrants were mistreated, it’s just that the extent to which they are mistreated in this film seems suspect to me. For every case of abuse and exploitation, I’m sure there is an example of an immigrant who found a happy niche and succeeded in the New World.

But that’s really the only complaint I have about this film. It will easily go over a child’s head but it is an interesting side note for adults to ruminate on while watching this delightful film. The animation is very rich and I even would go as far as to say that it is better in quality than what Disney was producing at the time. Instead of glossing over everything, An American Tail isn’t afraid to be very detailed about the grit and grime associated with the slums of the New World.

The music is also fantastic. The film is full of memorable songs that get stuck in your head and stay stuck for years. It’s one thing to have catchy songs in your animated film, but to make them so enjoyable and endearing is something special. If you’ve seen this movie, you know what I’m talking about. I you haven’t seen An American Tail, you don’t know what you’re missing!

Plain and simple, An American Tail is a darling of a film that is perfectly suited to be watched by children and adults and will surely become a favorite for all ages. Even if you think you’re too “grown up” for a film like this, you’ll be surprised. An American Tail will melt your heart again and again.

RATING: 3.75 out of 5

First Knight (1995)

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!

I don’t know if this has come up yet, so I want to share something with you: I am not a big Richard Gere fan, so many of his films I see are likely to have their ratings tainted by subjectivity. Just a fair warning. Anyway, First Knight falls into some of the standard pitfalls that King Arthur films succumb to, but it goes further than other interpretations do in getting things horribly wrong.

Many Arthur films screw up in a number of excusable areas. First, they typically set the Arthur story too far into the Middle Ages, with shining armor, valiant knight and glorious castles. In fact, Arthur existed in the 5th or 6th Century when things were not as opulent and glamorous as the romanticized tales have led many to believe.

Secondly, most Arthur films really overdo the kinship of the Round Table. Depictions of gorgeous stone or wooden tables abound and the knights were all dashingly handsome. In reality the round table probably didn’t even exist. The knights were really a kind of rag-tag band of wandering men who fought for justice. Their relationship was probably close, but not as glorious as we’ve come to believe.

Finally, almost all Arthur films, and most films with knights and swords, use horrible swordplay for their fight scenes. As heavy and cumbersome as real swords would have been, the parrying and quick swordsmanship defies physics. It’s all stage and film trickery meant to make the fights look cool and more dangerous.

But like I said, all of these items are excusable because they have been commonplace in presentations of the Arthur legend for quite some time. First Knight has bigger problems on its hands.

For starters, Gere plays Lancelot very poorly. Gere is only 5’11” and many of the actors in the film are of a comparable height. Guinevere is only a few inches shorter than Lancelot, though you can hardly tell because of her hair and all. King Arthur is several inches taller than Lancelot, which is a historical no-no. Lancelot, by legend, was a very tall man, towering above many of his peers. This little goof really jars your suspension of disbelief if you know your Arthur at all.

Along with Gere’s height, his performance of Lancelot is completely void of any accent. Literally every single character but Lancelot speaks in an appropriate British accent. The fact that Gere refuses to even try to pull off an accent is a major point of contention with me. They have voice coaches for a reason. Use them.

The dialogue is very wooden, unsatisfying and predictable. This is a huge detriment because most Arthur stories include very beautiful prose and really capture the beauty of the romanticized Arthur legend. This is compounded by the fact that the acting is rather unbalanced. Some actors perform up to par, but most either overact or under-act their roles. This leads to a bizarre up and down feeling when processing the lines.

The special effects and stunts are all a little to modern as well. Camelot is presented as a gigantic city with opulent towers and brilliant colors. It’s all too over the top and came right out of left field for me. A stunt involving a runaway carriage was also rather hokey. It was essentially set up as a medieval car chase, with all the predictable elements of the bad guy jumping on top, crashing through windows and breaking off of doors. Sorry, been there and done that a hundred other times without the added cheese of a medieval setting. There was also a gauntlet prop that Gere ran through in exchange for a kiss from Guinevere that was easily far beyond the design of anything from the Middle Ages.

The love story is altogether unconvincing and they go about Arthur’s death all wrong. Somehow, the writers found it a bright idea to have Arthur snuffed out by relatively minor character from Arthurian legend. The man, Malagant, never amounted to beans in Arthur histories and his position as an evil conqueror and murderer was just confusing.

In the end, First Knight gets a lot of things all wrong, but still manages to look pretty. Ironically, many of the castle locations are shot as old and overgrown with vegetation even though these structures would have been new at the time. Girls will swoon over the sappy love story and guys will sit there with a glazed look on their faces. While it doesn’t quite do enough damage to itself to drop too far in my rankings, I would advise against seeing this film unless you seek an example of how not to present the Arthur legend.

RATING: 2.25 out of 5

Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation (1986)

In many ways, this is just a repackaged copy of the first Care Bears movie. It’s part sequel, part prequel and ultimately more memorable than the first (at least in my mind). Two kids receive comfort from the Care Bears and they in turn help the Care Bears stop a dark and evil force that wants to eliminate caring from the world.

We’ve been here before, but something in the execution clicked more for me in Care Bears II. I often had blended the two together in my mind and forgot some of the particulars. The film begins with True Heart Bear and Noble Heart Horse taking care of the young Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins as they try to avoid the dreaded Dark Heart. The Great Wishing Star bestows special powers upon these two and all of the little ones in tow (thus explaining how the Care Bears got those symbols on their tummies).

When Dark Heart strikes out on a new conquest against caring, True Heart and Noble Heart leave the cubs in the hands of two young children from a summer camp that had all but given up on caring. Taking care of the cubs gives them a purpose and they enjoy it. When they return to camp, they find that Dark Heart has set up his base there and is posing as a young boy (among many other things he can transform into).

In just a short time, the Care Bears and their Cousins are mostly grown up and willing to take on Dark Heart in order to keep caring in the world. They are over-matched and their existence is threatened by Dark Heart's powerful magic. Only the return of the elder True Heart and Noble Heart can make them strong enough to defeat the villain, which can always be assumed in a kids' movie.

The animation is just as good as in the first film and the music is a bit more memorable, but it is essentially the same story as before, just with a few different elements thrown into the mix. I prefer it to The Care Bears Movie, but most viewers will find little difference between the two. It provides a solid message of the importance of friends and caring to its intended audience of young children and goes by in a breezy 76 minutes, so parents won’t be bored with the subject matter either.

Good lesson, fun songs but the same basic story as before, so no increase in the rating from the first installment.

RATING: 3.25 out of 5